Friday | March 29, 2024
Superman Fans Protest Missing Bosoms
One of the many scenes producers had to airbrush because Brandon Routh's endowment was too much for a family film.

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Comic book fanboys around the country have pledged to protest the planned opening of "Superman Returns", upset that the film, unlike 1978's "Superman: The Movie", fails to prominently feature Valerie Perrine's bosoms.

"I know for me, the original Superman was my first exposure to cleavage that extensive," said protestor Bruce Farsicks, 37, the assistant manager of Bob's Sci-Fi and Comix World in Hackensack, N.J. "Her bosoms were so round and buoyant, the way they almost burst from her blouse, like you could almost reach out and - can you excuse me for a minute?"

In "Superman: The Movie", Ms. Perrine's bosoms were attached to Miss Tessmacher, one of arch villain Lex Luthor's assistants, and were featured in several scenes protruding from a green bikini and a red, low-cut dress, among other ensembles. In the new film, Luthor's female sidekick is played by Parker Posey, whose bosoms "barely register," according to another protestor, Joel Shomberg, 41, a Wal-Mart cashier from suburban Chicago.

"I mean, do those even qualify as bosoms?" asked Shomberg, who noted that he still has the August 1981 edition of Playboy, which featured Perrine's bosoms on the cover, under his mattress. "I still get nervous my mother will find it when she makes my bed every day," he admitted, after which he turned bright red and emitted a loud, pronounced snort, not unlike a frightened hog.

Perrine's bosoms have reportedly gone into seclusion and were unavailable for comment, but according to perrinebosoms.com, one of thousands of Perrine bosom Internet fan sites, "rumor has it there's still some life left in the old girls."

Meanwhile, Ned Beatty's stomach has released a statement saying it's available to appear in any and all future "Superman" sequels as they come up.

- CAP News Staff

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